


Cas Absecon

by posingasme



Series: Lost & Found [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Supernatural Mini Bang, Big Bang Challenge, M/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 21:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6924169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Sam Cleveland. </p><p>This time, it's Castiel who's gone missing, and his frantic lover Sam enlists the man's friend and business partner Ash to find him before it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pilot

The clock's red light finally blurred into numbers. Ash frowned at it severely. Who could possibly be calling at such an ungodly hour? He fumbled his phone and yawned through his greeting. "You got any idea what time it is?"

There was a pause. Then a familiar voice came over the line. "Uh, yeah. It's almost eleven in the morning."

"Well? What's so important it couldn't wait till noon?"

Sam Cleveland cleared his throat. "Ash, I can't find Cas."

Ash's brain never actually rested. It couldn't. He dreamed in physics equations and HTML. But it kicked into focus now. "Say that again?"

"Ash, I...I'm sure it's fine. He wanders sometimes, you know, just following up on hunches about cold cases and stuff. But...but I guess..."

"Sam?" Ash swallowed hard. "Tell me everything."

"I don't know, man. All I can tell you..." He took a breath. "Cas is on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days."


	2. Cleveland Calling

The fascinating thing about what Castiel and Ash did was that there was an enormous difference between finding someone who was lost and finding someone who didn't want to be found. Among those who didn't want to be found, there was a very small percentage who also knew how to hide. Castiel, of course, was one of those.

"Well, he silenced every digital tool I got. His car, his credit cards...his phone." He looked up to give Sam a meaningful look.

The man sighed, and blinked too many times. "I know. When I realized he'd shut off his phone for four days and nights, that's when I called you." He didn't need to tell Ash that his partner was never without his cellphone. Castiel had a compulsive personality in general, but the phone was an outright addiction. He could live without any other tool in the world, but if he had no cellphone on him, something was very, very wrong.

Ash nodded. He chewed on his lip a little as he prepared to speak again. When he finally looked back into the screen, he could see Sam fighting against tears. It broke his heart.

"I know," Sam ground out through his teeth, "what this looks like. But I'm telling you, Ash, he...he didn't just leave, okay? He wouldn't do that. Not...not to me. He knows what that would do to me. I mean, he's..." The young man's voice failed him, and he spoke with just his breath now. "He's the one who found me, Ash. This can't be how he leaves me."

There was quiet between them for a time, then Ash tried again. He hated having to ask, in part because he didn’t want to hear the answer himself. Castiel and Sam were his image of a perfect love. He didn’t want that illusion shattered. "But you two have been having problems?"

Sam let his eyes roll up, too late to stop a tear from sliding down each cheek. "Not like this," he said firmly. "That is not what this is."

Ash lowered his gaze. "Okay. Sam, okay. But listen. You know what he and I do, right? Ya'll lose people, we find them. But in order for us to do that, you gotta tell me everything. Be honest with me. Details matter."

Sam took another deep breath, and nodded quickly, wiping at his tears with trembling hands. "Right. Of course. Anything you need. I just...I just need to know he's okay. If he needs to be...somewhere else, fine. But I deserve to know he's okay. I was-I was sort of hoping you were going to tell me he was on a case with you someplace. He gets absorbed in his work and sometimes forgets to..." He laughed sadly. "Well, everything. I got to remind him to eat, beg him to sleep. And sometimes he forgets to check in with me. I guess sometimes he forgets about me at all," he said, attempting another laugh, and failing.

Ash shook his head. He wanted to reassure the young man that Castiel could never completely get Sam off his mind. It had been over three years since they had found Sam in a small city outside Cleveland, over two since they had moved in together. In that time, he had never seen his friend so happy. Just the mention of Sam made his face soften and his sharp eyes gaze out into the abyss. After his partner had a few drinks, Ash liked to simply ask how Sam was doing, and sit back to watch as Castiel sighed happily and divulged all the things he adored about the young man. And if Sam found him distracted while he was home, Ash had to remind him to stop looking at his phone for texts from Sam when he was working. The distraction went both ways, in Ash’s opinion.

On the other hand, Ash knew Castiel had never really adjusted to a settled home life. He had been on his own since he was a teenager, and had answered to no one. He had dutifully kept clients and Ash up to date on jobs, but other than that, he had been a nomadic, self-employed bachelor whose only friends were three residents at a roadhouse bar. There had been times before Sam was part of his life that Castiel had disappeared for a week or more at a time, and then returned with no explanation. It was as though it didn’t even occur to Castiel that his friends had even realized he was gone, let alone missed his company.

He would never say this to Sam, but Ash was somewhat surprised Castiel hadn't gone missing before now. Sam was right, though. He wouldn't do it like this. He wasn’t a nomad anymore. If he needed space, he would do the responsible thing and let Sam know. Ash too, for that matter. They were partners as well as friends, after all.

Sam seemed to give up hope that Ash was going to deny that Castiel could ever forget him entirely. He sighed. "Anyway, what do you need to know?"

"Let's do this like we would any missing person case," he said gently.

"You're the expert. I just watch a lot of Law & Order, and listen to Castiel's stories." He tried again to laugh.

Ash smiled at him. "I've tried tracking him. I've run him through my database spiders."

"That sounds awful."

He snickered and put his hand through his hair. It was nearly time for a Pabst to make this all go down easier. "Don't act dumb, Grover. I know you know what a data spider does."

At last, he got a real smile out of the man. "Maybe a little. I get the basics."

Ash snorted, but left it alone. Sam sometimes played down his intelligence, and Ash knew he worried that someone would expect more of him. He had watched the young man’s confidence grow in the time they had known one another, but Sam still seemed hesitant to admit that he understood some difficult concepts, out of fear that someone would think he could participate in a more advanced discussion. Ash suspected Sam could hold his own in those situations, but he knew Sam still worried that he would not be able to keep up, so it was better if he simply did not try. He hoped that would continue to fade as Sam got deeper into his education. He liked talking to Sam.

"It always makes Cas laugh when you call me that."

"What? Grover? He’s easy to amuse. And to mess with. Especially after a few shots. One day I’ll tell you about the time he hit on me before we met you. Okay. So gonna ask some questions, and some will sound kind of weird, some pretty personal, but they could help us. Ready?"

"Anything you need," he swore breathlessly. "I just want to know he's okay."


	3. Talk

Sam didn't want to bother Dean or Andy about something that would probably turn out to be much ado about nothing. They each had a high-stress job and a wife at home, plus a housemate each; Benny shared Dean's place at the base, and Andy's brother Ansem had gotten himself in trouble again, so he was couch surfing. Sam wondered if Andy had worked up the irritation to kick him out yet. And Meg and Jake just weren't that kind of friends, not really, and it was still weird now that they had broken up, but were clearly still sleeping together as well as working together. Tessa was in the air someplace, serving drinks like she'd always done in Ohio, but now she did it while visiting every country in Europe. He missed her, but he knew how happy she was. Even if he could have reached her, he didn’t want her to worry about him when she deserved every moment of fun she could get.

Sam's hand played with his phone a while. Maybe Dean...

But Jo had just said something in an online post about how little sleep the baby was letting them get. Sam had responded by asking if she meant Benny or Mary Ellen, and had gotten his head bitten off for his humor. He put the phone down.

Then he picked it up again and dialed another number.

"Hey, Grover. Fourth time today. Cas walks back in from his mystery tour and sees the phone bill, he's going to think I'm trying to steal you away."

Sam smiled weakly. He lay back on his bed with a sigh, and stared at nothing. It was too dark at night without Castiel sneaking his phone into bed and cupping his hands over it as if Sam would then be spared from its light. He sighed, imagining poking the poor man in the ribs and telling him to turn it off before he tossed it out the window, and being subjected to Castiel’s exceptionally effective puppy eyes. "He knows I'm not your type,” he said at last.

"Nor I yours, buddy."

He closed his eyes. "Talk to me, okay?"

He could almost hear Ash wince. "Dude, Sam, I got nothing yet. You gotta give genius time, man."

He laughed, and tears painted trails from the corners of his eyes, across his temples, down to his hair. "No. I mean...talk to me. If you have time. I can't sleep, and we both know you're not going to. Please. I don't care what about. Teach me about quantum physics. Anything."

"Okay. Anything?"

"Anything."

"I met somebody."

It was said so quietly that Sam wasn't sure he had heard correctly. "You...what?"

"I don't know. I met somebody. A lady came into Harvelle's, and I...Well, I was real drunk. Little drunk now."

"Ash, I've never seen you sober."

"That's how it is when you have beer with breakfast. Anyway, she's real classy, you know?"

"Yeah?" Sam found himself actually smiling now. "Tell me about her."

Ash's voice was wistful. It was so different from how he normally sounded. Sam liked it. "I was pontificating about something or other, and I just stopped my talk when I saw her, and...Cleveland, she was reading a Stephen Hawking book at the bar."

Sam burst into a surprised laugh. "You're kidding. You sure you didn't dream her up?"

"Naw, man. She was real. Real enough to try and blow me off like she did every other guy there."

"So she's pretty too. And confident." The story was easing his quiet panic. He just needed to keep Ash talking.

"And so smart, Winchester."

Sam chuckled quietly. It never ceased to amuse him the way Ash addressed him by any name he felt like at the moment. There was probably a pattern to it, but Sam had never figured it out, if so.

"And you know what she was drinking, Grover?"

"What?"

"PBR."

"No she wasn't."

"Hand on the Good Book, Sam. The lady drinks Pabst."

Sam's tears had dried now, and he pulled Castiel's pillow to his chest as he rolled onto his side. "She finally let you buy her one?"

Ash snorted at him. "I started reciting Hawking like fucking poetry, and she bought me one."

This produced a genuine laugh, and Ash joined in. "So when you seeing her again?"

"Tomorrow. I gotta give her the birds and the bees talk."

Sam smiled fondly. "You mean that you're neither?"

"Yup. Disappointed many a lovely woman, Ohio."

"I'm sure you have."

Ash sighed. "Thing is, I never minded the talk and potential...you know. The fallout. Not till this one."

"You changing your mind?"

He could nearly feel Ash looking at him like he was stupid. "You ever changed your mind about liking guys?"

"Uh, no. And I had a lot of people try awfully hard to make that happen over the years."

"Yeah. Same."

"I'm betting it isn't so hard telling someone you won't have sex with them as telling a bunch of jackasses to leave you alone because you're gay."

"You think so? Look, I ain't talking about what them doctors or your daddy did, because that's different. But I'd rather get harassed by guys I don't care about than get walked out on by some woman I do."

Sam was quiet at that. Then he sighed. "I guess I didn't think of it that way."

"Yeah. Well, it all sucks sometimes. I ain't gonna play the who's got it worse game with a gay man. I'm just saying it doesn't often end well. I have plenty of first and second dates. I got a hard time making it past the third. By then, they need to know there's going to be something physical down the line."

"But you...I mean, some do, right? Sometimes?"

"Some ace folks have sex. Sure. I've had sex. Twice. I didn't like it. I didn't like the girls after. And I didn't like me after. So I decided after that second time that I wasn't never going to make myself do nothing I didn't feel right about. And most of the time, that includes kissing."

"Really?" Sam was both fascinated and horrified. "God, I love kissing. What's not to like?"

Ash groaned. "I don't know, man! It's...it's another human's face in my face, and it's wet from her touching wet from me..." He vocally shuddered.

"Yeah! That's the good part!"

The man snickered. "Okay, isn't there anything that just weirds you out sexually?"

"Sure, I guess. I once had a guy try to feel me out about water sports."

"Oh god!" Ash cried out.

"You asked!"

"Not for details!"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Ash, I didn't do it! He was just trying to see how I'd feel about it! I told him I didn't think I could be on board with that. He said he understood, that he knew it wasn't for everybody."

He whined again, then sighed. "Okay, but you get that. Now it’s not just feeling weirded out. Add to that you knowing in your heart that if you did do it, it would feel like you had just betrayed yourself. Like someone had done something to your body that you didn't want, that made you feel violated, and that somebody was yourself."

"But if it's someone you love..."

"That makes a difference to some ace guys. Not me. I really don't want that."

Sam considered this for a little bit. "Okay. We covered what you don't want. Is there anything physical you do want?"

Ash's laugh sounded surprised. "I must've had this conversation with three dozen friends and girlfriends, and I don't think anybody's ever asked that before."

"So?"

"So, yeah! I mean, best thing in the world is sleeping with a girl. Actually curling up with her. Taking baths together. That kind of stuff."

Suddenly, Sam's heart was aching terribly. "Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"We gotta find Cas."

His voice was soft and sad, and it did little to make a cold bed warmer, but Sam appreciated it anyway. "Yeah, man. I know."

 

It was another hour after hanging up with Ash that Sam gave up on sleeping. He tried to watch CSI reruns for a while, but it only made him paranoid. He found himself staring at his phone, running arguments through his head over and over again. The last one, which had been just the weekend before Castiel had disappeared, ate at his heart.

“Sam, you’re being unreasonable.”

He had been pacing the living room in his bare feet. He was exhausted from being up most of the night before, and somehow he still couldn’t make Castiel see what was wrong. “It’s not unreasonable to want to know when you’re going and when I can expect you back! That’s courtesy! I don’t ask where. I don’t ask what. But I think I’m entitled to when!”

It was the same argument every time, and no one ever seemed to win. “Sam, I have never had to-”

Sam had thrown his hands in the air. “I get it! You never had to check in with anybody before! But you’ve also never been in love with a man before, and I think that’s reason enough for you to consider changing your lifestyle!”

The man frowned deeply. “Sam, I have changed everything for you. Everything. Simply forgetting to tell you when you can expect me home doesn’t negate all the other changes I’ve made for you.”

He sighed, and he was unable to keep the hurt from his voice. “Cas, please. I don’t want to...It isn’t that I don’t…”

“What?” Castiel had demanded. “Trust me? Because that’s exactly what it seems like.”

“No! I trust you. But, Cas, I…”

“What?” the man had shouted in frustration. “Sam, I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I can't believe this is all about forgetting to tell you I wouldn't be home last night. How could it be?”

His lips trembled, until at last he could taste salty tears on them.

Castiel had flinched. “I'm sorry. Sam, please. I'm so sorry.”

He shook his head, and spoke hoarsely. “Castiel,” he said in a small but clear voice, “I've been lonely my whole life. If I had known being in love with you would make me lonelier, I never would have let myself fall for you.”

It looked as though the older man had been slapped. His bright eyes sparked with pain. “Sam…”

“Go wherever you want, Cas. Do whatever you want. I'm not going to sit up and worry about you anymore. I can't. It kills me. If you come home, good. But if you don't? It doesn't matter. I'm lonely either way.” He stalked into their bedroom, and a moment later, he heard the front door to the apartment slam. He sobbed for twenty minutes before letting exhaustion take him.

Castiel had not returned until morning. By that point, anger had become crankiness; hurt had become spite. Neither had slept well; he couldn't be sure Castiel had slept at all. But Sam had gotten up to find him on the couch, lying on his back, arms folded stiffly across his chest, still clothed except for the loosened tie and the shoes kicked onto the floor. He had frowned, and proceeded to make them both breakfast, and had put Castiel's phone next to his coffee cup so he could begin work as he ate.

“Sam,” his lover had sighed after nearly a half hour of silent company. “I cannot always tell you what I'm doing. And sometimes I just don't want to.”

Sam had frowned down at his textbook, but said nothing.

“But I love you, and I never want you to feel lonely again. As soon as I can, I'll make this better. I promise. You just have to trust me that I'm trying.”

Two days later, the man was gone without a trace, and Sam was left wondering what he had missed.


	4. The Other Brother

Ash sighed at the phone. “Come on, buddy. Where are you? What kind of trouble are you in?” He shook his head, and downed the beer. “How bad must it be if you gotta keep it from your best friend and the best thing that ever happened to you? What are you protecting me and Sam from?” His mind was gnawing at the puzzle relentlessly. There was something in his periphery that he just couldn't reach. 

Finally, on a hunch, Ash tapped at his computer, then dialed a number he found. He drank his beer while he waited. 

“Who is this?”

“A friend of Castiel Seraphim’s.”

The voice hesitated. There were two breaths, during which he thought the man was going to hang up. “Yeah? So?” he said finally.

“Are you Gabriel Edlund?”

“So?”

“Cas contacted you a long time ago.”

There came a snort. “Still does now and then after he’s been in a liquor store. How’s the search for Dad going? Let me guess. Awful.”

Ash sighed quietly. This was really Castiel’s part of the job. “I need to know if he’s contacted you in the past week.”

“And I should answer that...why?”

He rolled his eyes. “Look. You’re the only one of the dozen half-siblings he’s got that he continues to contact. So he clearly thinks you know something. And now…” He took a breath and dove in. “And now dude’s gone missing himself.”

There was a beat of silence, then a snicker. “I don’t know, man. Maybe it runs in the family.”

But he had heard the change in tone, and he leapt at it. “I’m not the police, Gabriel. I’m just trying to find my friend. He’s a good man. If he’s contacted you, that means he thinks he’s got a lead on his father. So...please. If you know what kind of trouble he might be in...please just tell me.”

Gabriel sighed heavily. “Look, man. Cas is a good kid, okay? But he’s got no idea what kind of man our father is. He’s got it in his head that Dad’s got to be better than that bitch of a mother he’s got, and the man she married, Zachariah, he’s just a big bag of dicks. So Cas grew up thinking anything’s got to be better than Naomi and Zach. Me? I lived it. And it ain’t better. Dad stuck around till I was thirteen. That was about thirteen years too long. Man’s a genius; don’t get me wrong. But the stuff he put this family through...I never gave Cas any information because...because...I love my family, okay? But Sunday dinner was like the Apocalypse at my house. Only time we ever saw him, and it tore us up every damn time. The other guys at one another’s throats for his attention. Mike and Luke. And the way he watched us all like...like he wasn’t really there, like he was...And he wasn’t. He was always inside his own head. I used to watch my brothers just ache for the man’s attention. And I remember thinking I was so, so glad he didn’t even seem to know I was there at all. I would literally feel like I had to block my little sister from his view. I couldn’t even tell you why. Just something about him...It wasn’t right.”

“Where is he, Gabriel? Where’s Castiel?”

“Mike and Luke, me and Anna, from my mom. Cas and Balt and Rachel, from Naomi. Amber and Haelli and Hannah, from Hester. Raphael and Yuri, each from somebody else. Who knows who else is out there? I got a lot of brothers and sisters, dude. I can’t keep track of them all.”

“Where’s Castiel?” he pressed in a firm voice, drenched in a honey drawl. 

Gabriel laughed bitterly. “If he found Dad, I can tell you where he is, and what kind of trouble he’s in. If not, I have no idea where he is, and that’s your problem. Cas is a good guy. But if there’s one thing our dad taught us, it’s not to stick your neck out for anybody else, especially family.”

Ash was silent then. 

“If Cas is with Dad, he’s in the same place the guy’s been for the past two decades or more. Atlantic City. And if he’s in trouble, it’s because Dad’s out of money and out of time.”

His eyes closed. “Gambling debt?”

“Dad likes to think of it as an investment temporarily down. Unfortunately, his bookies and loan sharks like to think of it as money now due. I’d hurry if I were you. Dad can outrun the best of them. But like you said, Cas is a good guy. If Dad let him find him…”

“It’s because he’s throwing Cas under the bus.”

“It’s how we do it in our family, buddy. Poor kid should know that by now, except he was thrown out of the family before he learned it.”

Ash nodded sadly. “Yeah. Okay. Atlantic City. Can you give me any more than that?”

“I’ll give you what I know. And if any of this leads back to me? I’ll kill you.”

“Fair enough.”


	5. Big Brother

Sam stared out the window while he listened to Ash. He swallowed with difficulty, and remained silent. Ash wasn’t telling him everything. That was apparent, and Sam didn’t like it. “Ash,” he said finally, “you’re keeping something from me. Protecting him. I get it. Okay? You think it’s a breach of trust to tell me. Fine. But whatever you need in order to find him...and anything he needs...If you need anything to keep him safe...Just tell me. I won’t ask why. I promise. Just...just swear to me you’ll tell me if there’s something I can do. Okay? I just want him safe. No matter what he needs to do...If he’s leaving me, fine. But if I can help keep him safe, you need to tell me, and I’ll do it.”

He could hear Ash sighing. “I promise, man. And he ain’t leaving you. Not-not because he wants to. Give me...give me twelve hours and some change.”

The younger man pushed the tears from his cheeks then, and laughed softly. “What, you can’t be more specific than that?”

“Twelve hours and thirteen minutes is what I’m figuring. But there are a lot of factors involved. This ain’t what I do, Sam. I’m used to being on the other end with a Pabst and a computer. So...twelve and some change. Work with me.”

He smiled as his vision smeared behind his tears. “Yeah. Do what you gotta do. And tell me what I can do.”

There was a pause, then Ash cleared his throat. “I don’t guess you’re a praying man, but it’d be nice to have God on our side for this one.” 

“I’ll see if anybody knows how to find Him.” Upon hanging up, Sam immediately dialed another number. His hands were shaking. 

“Sammy?”

He took a shuddered breath. “Dean. I know you’re busy, and you got Mary Ellen and Jo who need you, but-”

“Sam, I’m on the road. Can you talk to me? Do you need me to come?”

Sam shook his head. “No. No, I just...I just need to talk to you. Tell you something that’s been going on. Can you listen for a while, and maybe talk to me a bit? If you’re busy-”

“I’m never too busy for you, kiddo. Tell me everything.”

He let his smile take the edge off his fear and hurt. “Best thing Cas ever gave me, you know? My big brother back in my life.”

“Sammy, talk to me.”

***

By the time Dean hung up, his passenger was finished tapping on his computer, and he sighed and put it away. “Can’t do anything more till we get there,” Ash sighed.

Dean nodded. “As long as you point me toward which head I can break, I’m happy. If you don’t, I might choose Cas, for making my brother sound like that.”

Ash snorted quietly, and leaned against the window to rest. “If you don’t, Sam probably will when we deliver him.”

“No,” Dean said then, staring hard at the road ahead. “No, he’ll just be so grateful Cas is safe that he’ll forget to be angry with him. And as long as you find somebody else for me and my buddy to break, we’ll forget it too.”

“There’s gonna be blood,” Benny promised from where he lay sprawled in the backseat, without even opening his eyes. “Hate for it to be Sammy’s pretty boyfriend’s.”

Ash laughed quietly. Dean could practically smell his brain working. 

His own was spinning too. He had not been there for Sam when he had been hurt in the past. Dean had been denied his right as big brother, to protect and comfort. Jo knew how much that haunted him. When Ash had called, and he had told Jo what was going on, she had taken one look at the baby and nodded. “It’s for Sam,” she had said. “Of course you have to go. If it weren’t for Mary Ellen, I’d go with you. Just stay safe for us. And take Benny. And, Dean? Cas is one of my best friends in the world. If anything is threatening him? You kick it in the ass, you hear me?”

He loved that woman.


	6. Writing is Hard

There was a difference between someone who was lost and someone who didn't want to be found. And among the latter, there was a small percentage of people who truly knew how to hide. 

Carver Edlund was one of these. 

So when Castiel arrived on Absecon Island on the Jersey Shore, he should have had far more trouble finding the man than he had. 

That should have been his first clue. 

“I don't understand. You told me if I met you back here…” Hurt was flooding his chest, making it difficult to breathe. 

“Castiel,” Carver sighed. “You're a good kid. Okay? And wicked smart. When you found me two weeks ago, I gotta say, I was pretty shocked. But it turned out to be a good thing for me, right?”

Castiel nodded. “I thought so. You...you told me you would be able to...If I could just get the money together, you'd be free to...That you'd leave with me. Go someplace safe, where those people couldn't find you.”

Carver smiled at him, and poured a tumbler of whiskey. “You did get the money together, didn't you?”

“Yes, but-”

“Cas, what did Naomi tell you about me? About what I do?”

He licked his lips carefully. “She said you were a writer.”

The man smirked at his glass. “Yup. Know what?”

Castiel was silent. 

Carver waved the men in from the balcony. They flanked Castiel with pistols drawn, and grinned at his father, who shrugged. “Writing is hard,” he finished finally, and tossed back his drink. 

The horror and betrayal in the younger man's eyes did nothing to pierce Carver’s armor of nonchalance. “I'm your son,” he breathed hoarsely. 

“I've got a lot of those,” he said. “And most of the others know not to show up at my door.” 

“But...I have family,” Castiel added softly, almost to himself. 

Carver nodded. “It isn't that I don't care. I just don't see it as my problem.” He turned to the larger of the two men. “He's got plenty on him, and I suspect there's more where that came from. You heard him. He's got family. Your boss willing to call us even?”

The thug grinned. “Reaper sends his hopes that you'll call on him again next time you're in a bind, Mr. Shirley. Good luck on your drum, buddy.”

“Thank you, Ajay. I feel a run coming to me any day now.”

The man snorted, but whatever he might have said was interrupted by a crash that sent them all whirling toward the door just as it flew from its hinges. 

Castiel dropped to the floor as quickly as he could. The men at his sides were scrambling, but his friends were faster. He sighed in relief. “Dean!”

His partner scowled. “Dean! What do you mean Dean? I tracked your dumb ass!” 

Dean and Benny had their sidearms pointed directly at the two thugs. Their eyes were sharp and dangerous. 

Ash leaned on the wall with his arms crossed. “Hello, Mr. Edlund. I'd shake your hand, but I suspect it's been places I wouldn't approve of. Like in my buddy's pocket.”

Carver sipped at his whiskey with a sigh. “So by family, you meant a tiny army,” he said dryly. 

Ash grinned. “Call us the cavalry, baby.”

Dean's eyes remained steady on the two thugs who were still deciding if they could raise their weapons faster than he and Benny could pull the triggers. “Ash? You running this op or what? Some of us gotta work in the morning.”

“Yeah, okay.” He reached down to help Castiel up. “Come on. I promised somebody I’d get you home.”

Castiel stopped at the door, and locked eyes with his father. “What will you do now?”

Carver shrugged. “What I always do. I'll run. This is any given Thursday, Castiel. Glad you found me?”

He blinked, and a tear slid down his cheek. “They'll kill him,” he breathed. 

“No they won't.” 

Castiel looked past Benny to find a face he had not seen since he was a very young boy. But he recognized the voice. “Gabriel.”

The man nodded at Castiel's friends, who backed away slowly. “I heard you were once in blue yourself, Cas.”

He stared at the uniform. “You're…”

“Atlantic County PD.” Gabriel proceeded to disarm and cuff the shocked thugs while Dean and Benny held their weapons steady on them. “Your friend Ash was kind enough to trip a wire on his way in. My reinforcement will arrive about one minute after you leave. That gives you a thirty second headstart, Dad. I'd take it if I were you.”

The sirens played in the background. Castiel looked at Ash. 

“I've got this,” Gabriel assured them. He trained his weapon on Ajay. “Go.”

Castiel took one last look at Carver. “Blood doesn't make you family. You gotta earn that. I learned that from a brother you didn't give me, one I earned myself.” From the corner of his eye, he could see Dean smirk softly. Castiel turned to his half-brother, who he remembered as a sly but friendly boy many years ago. “Good luck, Gabe. Thank you.”

“Go, Cas. And don't come back. You got nothing here.” Gabriel looked at their father coldly. “Neither of us do.”

Ash gestured to Benny and Dean, who each took one of Castiel's arms, and pushed him toward the door. There was some shouting behind them, but Gabriel clearly had control of the situation. Castiel refused to look behind him as Dean hurried him into the Impala. 

Gabriel was right. There was nothing for him here.


	7. Welcome Home, Cas

Bobby's advice was whispering in his head. “Let him be angry, Cas. He's got to be angry first. Then he can start forgiving you.”

Castiel sighed. Dean had been right about calling Bobby. He was the father figure they had all needed. Dean said that even Jo called him sometimes, and that he had introduced Ellen Harvelle to him a while ago. It was strange the way their family kept becoming intertwined. Strange, and very nice. Carver was the father he had searched for. But Bobby was the one he had always needed.

Once they made it to Dean’s place, Ash had hugged Castiel quickly, and waved away his thanks. “You and me against the world, man. Always.” Then he had disappeared in the old pickup, to get back to his life many hours away. Castiel thought he had perhaps never known a man more willing to drop everything for a friend. That he was willing to do so for Castiel just amazed him.

Dean and Benny had driven him back home, and had shrugged off his gratitude at their willingness to drop everything and cross several state lines in order to save him from his own father's debt collectors. “It's what family's supposed to do,” Dean had said. Then he and Benny had driven off without another word.

Now there was just Sam.

The man stood at the top of the stairs like a hurt, angry gargoyle. His arms were folded across his chest, as though he were protecting his heart. He had nodded at his brother, and Benny, but had said nothing. Dean had made a gesture to indicate that he would wait for Sam’s call, but he had known better than to try to encourage him to talk just then. His cold, hazel eyes followed Castiel as he climbed the stairs. It felt like a death march.

He swallowed hard. He had hoped that the words would come upon seeing Sam’s face. But he had never seen the man so angry. A small, irrational part of his brain was giddy in its fear, and pointed out to him how breathtaking Sam was with his eyes flashing like that.

Sam waited until he stood beside him, and then he shook his head, turned, and walked into the apartment building without a word.

Castiel licked his lips. He wasn’t entirely sure what he should do now. Fortunately, Bobby’s voice seemed to cuff him in the back of the head. “He won’t talk; you better. Go on. Follow him.” He took a deep breath and followed to their apartment like he might have walked into a bear cave.

Sam was standing with his back to him, staring out their windows when he entered.

He cleared his throat. “Sam? I’m so sorry.”

The head nodded, but there was still no response.

“Sam?” His deep voice was choked with emotion, and he hated the way it sounded. “Sam, please. Yell at me or something. Anything.”

There was another long silence between them, and Sam did not face him.

Tears burned his eyes now. “I’m so sorry. Sam, it was my father. I had to...I’ve been searching for years; I couldn’t just...Sam, my whole life was spent looking for this man, hoping…”

When Sam turned at last, it was to reveal a face full of tears and hurt.

It took Castiel’s breath away. He dropped his bag to the floor, then reached for his lover.

Sam moved out of his reach without a sound.

The tiny movement ripped Castiel’s shattered heart out. He swayed on his feet, and then found himself on the ground, gasping for breath. “Sam, please. Please, say something! I can’t...I lost my father today, Sam; I can’t lose you. That imaginary father I had my whole life, the one I thought was out there somewhere, I...I couldn’t…” Tears spilled over, and he closed his eyes against the vision of Sam’s icy gaze. “I never had family, Sam. But I always imagined I did, somewhere, if I could only find him. But he’s not what...I can’t lose you. Please say something, Sam. I can’t…” And then he broke into sobs.

It seemed like hours passed before he felt a strong, warm hand on his face. He found that he could not open his eyes, but he leaned into the touch desperately.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmured. “I was so caught up in this obsession, I couldn’t...And I didn’t want you to be in any danger if those people came looking for their money...And I didn’t know...I thought you wouldn’t...There’s no excuse for not telling you, and for disappearing on you. I know what that does to people; I see it all the time, families worried, but…”

“But you didn’t see me as family. You’ve never seen me that way.”

It had been so long since he had heard Sam speak that it startled him. And the words made him flinch. “Sam, that’s not true-”

Sam’s eyes were unblinking and unyielding. His hand dropped, and Castiel felt suddenly cold. “It is true. All this time we’ve been together, and you’ve never treated this as permanent. I thought when we moved in together, that would do it. But it didn’t. You’re always going to be ready to fly, aren’t you? You just don’t have any sense of permanency. Maybe it’s not your fault. Like you said, you never had family. Not real family. The first time we made love, you said it was for one night. It’s always just one night for you, isn’t it? You’re always just one night away from leaving! From disappearing!”

“No, Sam!” He could feel it. The end. The one he had feared for years now. The one that sometimes kept him from sleeping for nights at a time. The one he had felt coming from the moment he met Sam. The end. The fall. This was it.

“Your father didn’t earn the right to your heart! I did! But he’s your family, and I’m not! Ash, your best friend in the world, he’s heading out there to put his heart on the line tonight, with the woman of his dreams, and where are you? Are you waiting for his call the way my brother’s waiting for mine right now? Ash is driving home right this minute, eating his damn heart out, because he’s got to break the news to this woman that he’s not trying to get in her pants and wants her for her brain and personality, and you don’t even know what I’m talking about! Because he ain’t your family either! Ash, who dropped everything to find your ass, then enlisted my brother and his buddy to go take care of you, put themselves in danger for you. Because they’re under the same stupid misconception that I was, that you think of them as family just because that’s how they think of you. But you’re not capable of that. You don’t know what that means. After all this time, you don’t have a clue!”

Castiel couldn’t breathe now. His vision was bleary, his heart pounding. He heard Sam, but all he could think was that this was it. This was when he lost everything. Suddenly, he was a teenager again, and Naomi was telling him to get out and never look back, that if she ever saw him again, she’d call the police and have him charged with trespassing. Castiel wasn’t family. He didn’t have family. He didn’t deserve family.

He didn’t even deserve friends. Just a few years after the police academy, he had been injured on the job, and he was suddenly no longer a bright young detective full of potential. Now he was a liability. They had told him he was a hero and applauded him on his way out, and he had felt entirely lost. Physical therapy had gotten him back on his feet, but he would never be what he could have been, and those he had become close with in that life of promise had all faded away as their lives diverged. He no longer had anything to offer any of them. He was alone again.

Quiet panic filled his head. “He was the only one,” he hissed. “The only one who hadn’t sent me away. He left, and I could pretend it wasn’t because of me, that it was because of Naomi, or...or because maybe he didn’t fit in either. When you send me away, Sam, that’ll be it. No imaginary father out there to hold onto. No pretending I’m someone who could be…” He gasped again. “No pretending I could be loved if I could just find the right person. I’ve been waiting years for you to send me away. This is it, isn’t it?”

Sam was shaking his head at him in disbelief.

“I’ve finally screwed up enough. Not worth it anymore. And now I know exactly how much I’m worth to my father, to the penny.” He shrugged helplessly. “Sam, I’m just so sorry. I found you, and you and your brother were grateful for that, so...Anyway, you don’t owe me anything. And I’ve outstayed my welcome. So…” He licked his trembling lips again, and tasted the sting of salt. He stumbled to his feet with great effort, and caught himself on the wall with a flung hand.

“Cas…”

He shook his head. “Sam, I understand. But please...Sam, thank you so much for...for everything we’ve had. I know I was never...I never learned to be what you wanted. But you were everything I never thought I’d ever have. All I wanted in the world...A good man that I could be good to. Thank you for being that. You should know before-You should know…”

Just as he was unable to say another word, just as the strength in his knees was failing him, Sam caught him in his strong arms. In his whole life, he had never sobbed like this before, had never felt the world crumbling beneath his feet this way. That was what his father had been for him, all these years. He was the one thing that kept him from falling completely. And now even that illusion was gone.

But something was keeping him steady; something was holding him tight, and it took him a moment to realize...Sam had caught him. Sam was holding him. Sam was lowering them both to sit against the wall on soft carpet, and holding Castiel’s head against his own chest. That was Sam’s heartbeat he could feel beneath his own trembling.

No one had ever caught him before. No one had ever even noticed he was falling except...

Slow, painful clarity struck him. The room seemed too bright. “Ash?” he whispered.

“Yeah, Cas,” Sam said softly. “Ash.”

The sobs continued, but they grew less frantic, less excruciating. At last, he was able to use his voice again. “Ash, and Dean. Even Benny.”

“And Jo,” he prompted. “She’s Team Cas too.”

He shocked himself by huffing out a laugh, sending new tears spilling out. “I don’t know why,” he murmured. “I frustrate the hell out of her.”

“You frustrate the hell out of all of us,” Sam corrected, but in a kind voice. “And there’s Bobby Singer and Ellen Harvelle.”

“I spoke to him on the way here.”

Sam nodded. “Cas, what are you thinking, man? I mean...Do you really have no idea?”

He looked up with sparkling, exhausted blue eyes, desperately pleading in his silence.

“I’ve spent the last few years just waiting for you to realize you’re a permanent member of this family. And every time I think we’re close, you make it so painfully clear that you don’t see yourself that way. Well, Castiel, you can think whatever you want. You can fly if that’s what you’ve got to do. But I love you, and I’m not going to stop loving you. Just like Dean never stopped loving me for all that time we were separated. I’m never going to stop loving you. So fly. Disappear. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t family. That’s not something you can quit, no matter how far you run from it.”

His whole body was shaking. He didn’t know if it was fear or pain or relief. “I don’t want to run from it, Sam. I’ve been trying...All my life, I’ve been trying to find it.”

Sam’s lips pressed against his gently, and he took Castiel’s face in both hands. “Cas, I know what it is to lose a father. And we’ll mourn for that loss together, because I want to feel any grief you’re feeling. But you haven’t lost your family today. Okay? We’ve been here. And we’re...we’re angry as hell that you didn’t let us help you when you needed us, and we’re relieved and grateful to have you home in one piece, and we want to hear everything. You wanted a good man to be good to. Well? Here I am. And here’s Ash, and Dean! And Andy, and Benny and Jo. And little Mary Ellen. And Ellen and Bobby-”

“Mary Ellen?” Castiel raised his eyes with great effort, and stared at him.

Realization poured over Sam’s features, and then sympathy. “Jesus, Cas,” he swore. “You don’t even understand that you’ve got a baby niece!”

“No, I...I mean, you have a baby niece. And she’s beautiful. But she’s not...I’m just…”

Sam waited.

Castiel felt color draining from his face. “I’m just…”

“Her uncle?”

“No, of course not. I’m not even…” Not even part of the family. And there it was, the thing Sam had been talking about. The lack of permanency, the feeling that nothing he did in this family mattered, because it was all temporary, the way he looked at Mary Ellen with a bit of longing but no true attachment. “I didn’t expect to get to see her grow up,” he admitted, almost to himself.

Sam rolled his eyes and pinched at the bridge of his own nose. “Oh, for God’s freaking sake...Cas, we’re getting married. Okay? You’re marrying me. I ain’t asking.”

The sound that came out of his throat was less dignified than a whimper, but Castiel didn’t even hear it.

His lover sighed. “Go on. I know you need air.”

Castiel stumbled to his feet and pushed his way to the balcony door, slid it aside, and began to hyperventilate while leaning on the railing. It was only a few seconds before he felt Sam’s warm hand rubbing circles into his back, speaking in a soothing tone.

“I love you, Cas. And I’m not giving up on you. I’m not sending you away. So you may as well settle in. You’re a good man, and I plan to be good to you. ”


	8. Things We Both Like

Eleanor nodded at him slowly. “So...you're saying that you aren't attracted to me.”

Ash nearly flinched. He couldn't tell if this was going well or terribly. There were so many ways he could be misunderstood. “It ain't that you're unattractive. You're...you're plenty attractive. God, Elly, you're damn near the prettiest thing I ever saw, and that's a fact.”

She smiled at him. “But?”

He wished he had drunk more ahead of the conversation. “Elly, I don't...get attracted. Not like most do. It's important for you to know. I like you. A lot.”

The pretty gaze followed him as he fidgeted. “But you're not going to want to take me to bed.”

“Not for sex. No. If you need something, I can figure out a way to give it to you. But there are a lot of things I won't do, and a few on top of that which I’d really rather not, unless you need it. I'm...I'm sorry if that…”

“So you're asexual. Is that...the right term?”

He nodded. “Asexual. Sex-repulsed, for the most part. Don't even much like thinking about it.”

Elly took a sip of her beer and sighed. “I like you, Ash.”

His eyes closed. Here it came. 

“So we’ll figure it out.”

There was a beat of confusion before Ash opened a single eye. “What?”

She shrugged. “Smart people like us? We should be able to find ways to make us both happy. I don't need much. And what I do need? I've got some ideas about that. Let's just talk about what we can do, instead of what we can't.”

His eyes shone with adoration. “You really are perfect, aren't you?”

She nodded and winked at him. “I've been asked to dial it back in public. Makes others feel inferior.”

They laughed together, and he reached across the table to kiss her cheek. 

Elly smiled happily. “We’ll add that to the list of things we both like. Right under Hawking and Asimov.”

Ash couldn't wait to call Sam.


	9. Never Give Cas Money

Sam joined Ash on the garden bench outside Andy’s house, and handed him a beer, earning himself a grin. “That’s a hell of a date you brought,” he said quietly.

Ash was still staring across the lawn at Eleanor as she listened to Castiel ramble on about Mary Ellen’s milestone development with pride. “She’s amazing, Sam,” he breathed.

“So’s mine. Thanks again for finding him.” He held out his bottle for Ash to clink his against.

They both took a drink, then Ash sat back. “I located him, but I think you found him, Sam. I mean...look at him. He’s more comfortable than I ever saw him before. He’s happy. That look he had before, when he’d smile but you’d see he was looking for the nearest exit...I don’t see that anymore. I mean, the guy’s holding a baby. A baby, Sam. Few months ago, I would’ve put money on him being scared to death of holding a little human. Now look at him, a proper uncle.”

Sam smiled happily. “Yeah. I was a little worried he’d…”

“Disappear this morning?” Ash finished for him knowingly.

He nodded. His cheeks were warming. “Yeah.”

“Dean had Jo and me discretely stake out the exits. Benny hid the car keys. And Ellen stared him down all breakfast.”

Sam shuddered. “That woman’s stare is potent.”

“I been on the wrong end of it a time or so myself.”

He heaved a sigh and lifted his bottle to his lips. “Good to know it took a concerted team effort to ensure my husband made it through our ceremony.”

“Through? Hell, we were worried he wouldn’t make it _to_ the wedding! Gabriel slept in the car, blocking the driveway.”

His laugh carried far enough for Mary Ellen to squirm out of Castiel’s grasp to look for him and wave. “Funny that he gained a half-brother in all that mess a few months back.”

Ash smiled across the yard, his eyes still following Eleanor as though he couldn’t help it. “Yeah. Well, Gabe says he was real impressed the way Cas took the misleading information he gave him and used it to track down Carver. Said he never saw anything like it. Gabe himself knew where he was only because Carver had called him for money. He didn’t want Cas getting mixed up in all that, so he sent him on a goose chase. Next thing he knew, Cas had heard things he didn’t even mean to say, and had found the guy in no time.”

“If he had asked me for the money, if I’d taken it from my savings, he would have been with Carver sooner, and Carver would have betrayed him earlier, and...and we wouldn’t have found him in time. Or if you hadn’t pushed Gabriel like you did. What would they have done to him? Killed him? Ransomed him?”

“Nothing good,” Ash said quietly. “Who knows? Maybe patted him on the back and said better luck next time. But I doubt it. Moral to the story is never give Cas money.”

Sam laughed again, but some of the mirth had waned. “You think Carver will be back one day?”

“I think he knows Cas is done with him. And I don’t think Gabriel will give him another chance. Especially not now that he saw what he tried to do to Cas. Gabe likes Cas. Respects him. He’s got tabs on his father, you can believe that, and he ain’t going to let him anywhere near Castiel.” 

The younger man nodded. “I hope you’re right,” he murmured. “So? Things going well for you and Eleanor?” He liked asking Ash about Eleanor. He liked the way the man’s whole face softened, and he seemed to slip into a different world.

“She’s something else, Sam. I didn’t think I could ever…” He stopped, and simply shook his head.

“You’ve mellowed in the past few months, dude.”

“I’m happy.”

They sat in content silence, drinking their beer and watching their loved ones, for several minutes. Then Castiel hurried toward them with Mary Ellen in his arms. “Sam!” he called excitedly.

Sam smiled and stood, handing his bottle to Ash. “Yeah?”

“She said it! She said it!”

Ash was cackling at his friend, but Sam shook his head. “Said what?”

Castiel’s grin seemed to extend past his own face, until everyone around them was grinning too. “She said uncle!”

Mary Ellen giggled at them. “Unca!”

Dean had followed to see what the commotion was, and he burst into laughter. “Yeah, Cas, that’s almost…” But he saw the sheer joy in his brother-in-law’s eyes, and he shrugged. “Yeah. Sounds like uncle to me.”

As Castiel set Mary Ellen back down and sat on the ground next to her in the grass to chat, Dean shook his head at Sam. “We’ll be expecting a lifelong babysitter now.”

Castiel looked up with a raised eyebrow. “Only every night until she hits sixteen years old. There are limits to what I’ll do for you, you know.”

Dean snickered. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Mary Ellen? You want Unca Cas to play with you every day until you’re too grown up to care about him anymore?” Castiel asked.

She put her hand on his head and held tightly to his hair so as not to fall over. Standing steady was still very novel. “Unca,” she said, pleased.

“That’s a yes. Dean? That’s a yes.”

“Yeah, I heard her. Jo!” he called. “Found us a sitter till she’s in college!”

“Sixteen, Dean. Sixteen. Don’t take advantage.”

Sam sighed. “Well, it was nice having a husband for an hour or so.”

Castiel smiled up at him, with Mary Ellen’s fist still attached to his head. “You can come too, you know. I’m just saying. If I ever go missing again, you’ll know exactly where to find me. I’m going to teach her to build a blanket fort. We’ll be in there if anyone is looking for me.”

His husband leaned down and kissed his head softly, and pried the child’s fingers off the dark hair to coax her into holding Castiel’s hand instead. “Maybe I will go with you. Just in case.”

Bright blue eyes met his, and they shared a promise between them that there would be no more searching. Each of them had found exactly what he was looking for in the other, and there was an entire family to think of now. There would be no flight and no fall. The search was over.


	10. You Know...Soulmates

Eleanor lay her head on Ash’s shoulder and sighed. “I’m tired.”

He kissed her forehead. “I know, babe. Thank you for coming. These guys mean a lot to me.”

“I can see why. They adore you.”

Ash snorted softly. “Yeah. And why wouldn’t they?”

“I do.”

“Yeah, but you’re smart enough to be aware of how brilliant I am. No telling what they like me for.”

She laughed quietly. “You think of Cas as your brother?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Hell, we been through a lot. He’s the awkward little brother. I’m the cool, sophisticated big brother.”

“You crushed a Pabst can on your forehead at the wedding dinner.”

“Exactly,” he confirmed. 

Her laugh was the song he wanted as his soundtrack to the rest of his life. “Don’t do that at our wedding. I’m going to have glass bottles. They’re classier.”

The rest of his life...Ash sat up. “Ours?” 

“You heard me. And if Bobby Singer wears that greasy hat, I’ll kick him in the jewels.”

He began to grin. “I’ll put it on the invitation. No greasy hats or can crushing.”

She shrugged. “You can try it with the bottles, but I think it’ll hurt more.”

“Do I have to cut my hair?”

“No. But you do have to wear pants.”

Ash considered briefly. “Well, hell. Guess I better put on some pants.”

Eleanor nodded. “But not tonight. I’m tired. Just hold me and talk me to sleep.”

So Ash happily began chatting about string theory. “See, now, I was contemplating some during the part of the wedding where they talk too much. I was thinking, if we accept supersymmetry for the sake of argument, if there’s a boson particle for every corresponding fermion, it seems to me….”

The woman in his arms yawned and responded sleepily. “Isn’t the phrase boson particle somewhat redundant, my love?”

Ash was certain, beyond any doubt, that this incredible creature was his soulmate, and he was already sharing his heaven with her.


End file.
